If I Only Had A Brain

I love the Wizard of Oz. By far, my favorite character is the Scarecrow. I have always loved him. Maybe because we share a similar build and klutziness. He is so lanky, so happy, so ready to help. You just gotta love the Scarecrow.

But he is brainless. Even though it is apparent to everyone watching the movie that the Scarecrow really has the most smarts of anyone, he thinks he needs help in that area. Why can he not see himself the way he truly is? If he could, then he would realize that he always had a brain to begin with!

Four weeks ago, almost to this very minute, I was scaring my poor wonderful colleagues to death. They thought I was having a stroke. I thought I was having a stroke. And all I could think about was that I did not have time to have a stroke, because the Women's PowerWALK Wednesday Fall 2012 Kick-Off was that night, and there was NO way I was going to miss it. Not even for a stroke.

Brainless. 

It seems so silly now, four weeks later. Not the illness, because this has been a difficult four weeks, and I am still recovering from it. My family has been put through the ringer, and I would not wish that upon any family. No, what hits me when I think of that moment, is that, truly, in that moment, when one may be thinking how their life would change post-stroke, I was thinking that I would not miss the fall kick-off. 

Nice wake-up call, Lord.

My health situation is getting better every day. There are still a few more tests to run and evaluations to occur, but most likely I have complex migraine disorder and am just waiting for the medicine to kick in. I will meet with a neurologist who specializes in demyelination diseases in two months and he will follow-up with the changes that were noticed on my MRI. I will also meet with a rheumatologist for autoimmune concerns. I did not have a stroke, and I do not have MS. My outlook is great.

Except for one big thing. I have to make a major life change. Again. Really, Lord? It seems that You call on me to make some change like.... yearly. Will I ever not be changing? Don't answer that.

Like my friend the Scarecrow, I suffer from not using my brain. Oh, I use it, don't get me wrong. I overuse it.  I just don't use it wisely. I actually had a friend of mine tell me to "Shush my brain." I suffer from Unrealistic Expectations and Over-Achievement Syndrome and am an Affirmation Addict. The thing is, I don't know any other way to be. You need a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner? I'll be the best one around. A Preacher's Wife? I'll have a smile for you. The Mother of Kids On The Spectrum Who Also Have Food Allergies? Don't worry, my children, mommy will make sure that not only do you have a cupcake available at your class party, but that it will be the best looking and tasting cupcake in the room so that all of your gluten-filled friends will look at you in envy and you will not feel left-out or freakish in any way. The list goes on and on, unfortunately. 

What God has shown me more in the past four weeks is that I am going to have to make some major life changes in how I approach my life. In some ways, that will be much harder than dealing with an illness. I mean, seriously, I am a PNP and mother to two special needs kids. I can handle illness. But, allowing God to change who I am and how I respond to life? That's a much harder pill to swallow. 

I am going to have to learn to "Be still and know" and not "be active and go". I am going to have to rely on others more. That will be a hard one. I am going to have to go to God with my insecurities on how I am spending my time and not seek affirmation from others. I am going to have to let my kids feel the pain of failing. I am going to have to listen to my body. What happened four weeks ago was not a fluke. You see, I have been having some combination of severe headaches, double vision, right-sided weakness and numbness for months. MONTHS. I just chose to ignore the symptoms because I thought I did not have the time to deal with them. And I bought flat shoes so that if I fell, I would not fall far. Seriously. I did that. Instead of thinking, maybe I should slow down and check out why I am having these symptoms, I bought some shoes to be a band-aid that would cover my boo-boo. 

Totally brainless.

We all have those experiences in life when something totally unexpected happens that turns your life upside-down. Unfortunately there does not seem to be a limit on how many times this can happen to one person or family. Nor does there seem to be some kind of time restraint, as in, only this amount of turmoil can occur to this person/family during this allotted time. We have the reassurance that God is not going to give us more than we can handle. That He was fully aware of the impending situation and is with us during that time, and has moved on before us, guiding us through it, preparing the way for His glory to be revealed to us and through us. And we think of Job. I say that as a joke, but I am being a little serious here. Job's life comes to mind as we struggle through our whirlwind, trying to make sense of it all.

In the past four weeks I have spoken with many friends who are currently struggling with some life-altering changes. Some of these changes are occurring in their lives and some are taking place in the lives of their loved ones. These are not small changes. Some of my friends have lost loved ones this month. Some are facing major health concerns. Some have lost jobs and do not have any prospects in sight. Some are divorcing the ones they thought they would spend the rest of their lives with. Situations that drive you to your knees before our Lord and ask for help. 

What I would say to them now is to Be Still and Know. That you are dearly loved by God. Your life situation may have totally shocked you, or, maybe you are like me, and chose to ignore the warning signs. Either way, God has already gone before you in this situation. He has a plan. This doesn't mean that you won't be making some major life changes, just like I am being called to do. It doesn't mean that the end results of these situations won't be life-altering or difficult. But remember that the same hands that made the stars are holding you in this time. That the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is at work in your life. That Satan would love to confuse your mind to think that God would not allow such things to happen to you if He loved you. But we know the truth: that these trials that come will only draw us closer to Him if we are honest with Him and ourselves. 

Hold close to this promise found in Micah 7:8 "Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light."