If I Only Had A Brain

I love the Wizard of Oz. By far, my favorite character is the Scarecrow. I have always loved him. Maybe because we share a similar build and klutziness. He is so lanky, so happy, so ready to help. You just gotta love the Scarecrow.

But he is brainless. Even though it is apparent to everyone watching the movie that the Scarecrow really has the most smarts of anyone, he thinks he needs help in that area. Why can he not see himself the way he truly is? If he could, then he would realize that he always had a brain to begin with!

Four weeks ago, almost to this very minute, I was scaring my poor wonderful colleagues to death. They thought I was having a stroke. I thought I was having a stroke. And all I could think about was that I did not have time to have a stroke, because the Women's PowerWALK Wednesday Fall 2012 Kick-Off was that night, and there was NO way I was going to miss it. Not even for a stroke.

Brainless. 

It seems so silly now, four weeks later. Not the illness, because this has been a difficult four weeks, and I am still recovering from it. My family has been put through the ringer, and I would not wish that upon any family. No, what hits me when I think of that moment, is that, truly, in that moment, when one may be thinking how their life would change post-stroke, I was thinking that I would not miss the fall kick-off. 

Nice wake-up call, Lord.

My health situation is getting better every day. There are still a few more tests to run and evaluations to occur, but most likely I have complex migraine disorder and am just waiting for the medicine to kick in. I will meet with a neurologist who specializes in demyelination diseases in two months and he will follow-up with the changes that were noticed on my MRI. I will also meet with a rheumatologist for autoimmune concerns. I did not have a stroke, and I do not have MS. My outlook is great.

Except for one big thing. I have to make a major life change. Again. Really, Lord? It seems that You call on me to make some change like.... yearly. Will I ever not be changing? Don't answer that.

Like my friend the Scarecrow, I suffer from not using my brain. Oh, I use it, don't get me wrong. I overuse it.  I just don't use it wisely. I actually had a friend of mine tell me to "Shush my brain." I suffer from Unrealistic Expectations and Over-Achievement Syndrome and am an Affirmation Addict. The thing is, I don't know any other way to be. You need a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner? I'll be the best one around. A Preacher's Wife? I'll have a smile for you. The Mother of Kids On The Spectrum Who Also Have Food Allergies? Don't worry, my children, mommy will make sure that not only do you have a cupcake available at your class party, but that it will be the best looking and tasting cupcake in the room so that all of your gluten-filled friends will look at you in envy and you will not feel left-out or freakish in any way. The list goes on and on, unfortunately. 

What God has shown me more in the past four weeks is that I am going to have to make some major life changes in how I approach my life. In some ways, that will be much harder than dealing with an illness. I mean, seriously, I am a PNP and mother to two special needs kids. I can handle illness. But, allowing God to change who I am and how I respond to life? That's a much harder pill to swallow. 

I am going to have to learn to "Be still and know" and not "be active and go". I am going to have to rely on others more. That will be a hard one. I am going to have to go to God with my insecurities on how I am spending my time and not seek affirmation from others. I am going to have to let my kids feel the pain of failing. I am going to have to listen to my body. What happened four weeks ago was not a fluke. You see, I have been having some combination of severe headaches, double vision, right-sided weakness and numbness for months. MONTHS. I just chose to ignore the symptoms because I thought I did not have the time to deal with them. And I bought flat shoes so that if I fell, I would not fall far. Seriously. I did that. Instead of thinking, maybe I should slow down and check out why I am having these symptoms, I bought some shoes to be a band-aid that would cover my boo-boo. 

Totally brainless.

We all have those experiences in life when something totally unexpected happens that turns your life upside-down. Unfortunately there does not seem to be a limit on how many times this can happen to one person or family. Nor does there seem to be some kind of time restraint, as in, only this amount of turmoil can occur to this person/family during this allotted time. We have the reassurance that God is not going to give us more than we can handle. That He was fully aware of the impending situation and is with us during that time, and has moved on before us, guiding us through it, preparing the way for His glory to be revealed to us and through us. And we think of Job. I say that as a joke, but I am being a little serious here. Job's life comes to mind as we struggle through our whirlwind, trying to make sense of it all.

In the past four weeks I have spoken with many friends who are currently struggling with some life-altering changes. Some of these changes are occurring in their lives and some are taking place in the lives of their loved ones. These are not small changes. Some of my friends have lost loved ones this month. Some are facing major health concerns. Some have lost jobs and do not have any prospects in sight. Some are divorcing the ones they thought they would spend the rest of their lives with. Situations that drive you to your knees before our Lord and ask for help. 

What I would say to them now is to Be Still and Know. That you are dearly loved by God. Your life situation may have totally shocked you, or, maybe you are like me, and chose to ignore the warning signs. Either way, God has already gone before you in this situation. He has a plan. This doesn't mean that you won't be making some major life changes, just like I am being called to do. It doesn't mean that the end results of these situations won't be life-altering or difficult. But remember that the same hands that made the stars are holding you in this time. That the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is at work in your life. That Satan would love to confuse your mind to think that God would not allow such things to happen to you if He loved you. But we know the truth: that these trials that come will only draw us closer to Him if we are honest with Him and ourselves. 

Hold close to this promise found in Micah 7:8 "Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light."

The World Did Not Come To An End

Well, it has been one year and one month now since our family began eliminating gluten and dairy from our diet.

It seems like such a daunting task at first. I mean, just the very mention of being gluten or dairy free brings about a negative response, such as "I'd die first." Yes, someone actually said that to me. And I use to feel that way about our lifestyle.

However, last Spring, under the advice of some really smart medical providers, we went GFCF, and do you know what happened?

The earth kept spinning and the sun kept rising every morning. The world did not come to an end.

It was overwhelming at first. It still is sometimes. The hardest part of being GFCF is that it makes you have to plan ahead for meals and snacks. No more fast options for hungry kids. No more McDonald's (even though Chick-Fil-A has become my best friend!). No more opening a package for a snack. Now, when one of the Kilmer kids whines "I'm hungry" my response is "Go eat some fruit." I know that may sound like a healthy solution, but the problem is that the kids get hungry more often and we are all still having a hard time believing that we don't need a bunch of starch-filled artificially-flavored preservative-packed food in our systems. GFCF snacks tend to be lower in carbs, meaning the kids are hungry more often.

I have to actually plan for meals and snacks. Sometimes I get on a roll with it and I am so proud of myself. I will spend hours in the kitchen preparing fruit and GFCF protein snacks for the entire week. Then my proud moment fades quickly as the Kilmer kids ransack the entire stock of GFCF goodies within one day, leaving me to scrounge around for more snacks.

They are growing kids, after all.

But that is the thing. They are growing. They are taking less medicine than they were before. Clay and Kylie's skin looks much better. Kylie has no more eczema at all. Kenzie and Kylie do not complain as much about abdominal pain. Kenzie is actually much more active and participated in track this year.

And I have gotten pretty good at making some yummy GFCF snacks. I have pinned a lot of recipes on my pinterest board. I know that I should be writing them down here in blog-land, but, let's face it, that's just not happening. But I actually enjoy cooking GFCF meals now. I'll be honest, it is much harder to be dairy free than gluten free, but I lately I have found some amazing vegan cookbooks that have really helped me out a lot in that area.

So, what piece of advice could I share with anyone who is contemplating going GF or dairy free, or both?

I would want you to know that you can do it. You will not die :) Take it slowly, get some help from emeals.com, and read some great blogs. Enjoy the sunrise the next morning. The world will not stop spinning, I promise!

Let's Have S'More Fun!

July 2, 2011, was a Saturday. McKenzie had spent the night with a school friend at her slumber party, and I had to get up extra early to run over a GFCF muffin for her breakfast. Since I was up, I decided to make a new GFCF pancake recipe that was in my new favorite cookbook.

Basically, it is a chocolate chip pancake with marshmellow cream sauce for syrup. Just because it's GFCF doesn't mean that it is healthy or low in sugar! But, hey, it's Saturday morning, and who doesn't deserve a little sugar fix once in a while?

Another success! I was starting to breathe some sighs of relief.

As you can see, the kids were very happy when they awoke!

Welcome To Holland, Have Some Italian Food

I have to admit, I was feeling quite depressed.

I had just lived through a weekend of GFCF failures. I had tried to make cookies and other things that just didn't taste quite right. I was determined to figure out the GF Flour mix ratio that not only tasted as close to normal flour, but acted like normal flour, had the same texture as normal flour, and did not have an aftertaste.

Welcome to Holland.....

I decided to totally scrap my old favorite recipes and start making only tried and true GFCF recipes. Once I got seasoned enough (pun totally intended!) with GFCF cooking, then maybe I would learn enough about what goes with what to make something that didn't fall through on taste and texture.

I was really overwhelmed. We had only been GFCF for 2 months.

Then, one Sunday afternoon, a dear sister gave me a life-changing cookbook. It was Cooking For Isaiah by Silvana Nardone. If you are GFCF, then buy this cookbook! If you are GF, buy this cookbook! It is amazing.

She is Italian-American, so her recipes have a great twist to them. I love Italian food, and the kids were craving pasta and pizza. So, with big butterflies in my stomach, I started cooking.

First we made spaghetti with meatballs. The kids went wild for this meal. It was really good!

Then, that same weekend, we got brave. It was pizza night at the Kilmer's house! I had never made homemade pizza before. Keith loves pizza. He really was missing it. Clay and McKenzie did not hide their expectations of desiring the perfect GFCF pizza from me.

The result was fabulous!

Pepperoni Pizza

Tomato Basil Pizza

This crust is the best pizza crust ever! I am a pizza snob. I don't like pizza that much. This crust reminded me of a true Italian restaurant in Sulphur Springs, TX. They had homemade bread that was unbelievable. One bite of this pizza and I was back in that restaurant, enjoying authentic Italian food.

We had found one new favorite.....

So Long Old Friend

I have a favorite recipe for chocolate chip cookies that I have used for 15 years. I got it from a cookbook at Southlake church of Christ. It has a secret ingredient in it- vanilla pudding mix- that makes the cookies extra moist and wonderful. It is by far my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe.

I used a GF All-Purpose Flour mix in my recipe, and, in the beginning, all things looked and tasted pretty good. I was beside myself! I was singing the praises of my cooking abilities in the kitchen and imagining the smiles on my kids faces as I served them our favorite treat.

So far so good..... the batter is perfect!

Then things got ugly. This is a picture of the end result of my favorite cookie!

It spread out and was paper thin! And gooey!

My dreams of being the best GFCF baker in the world crumbled with this cookie......

You'd think I'd give up, but no! I am one determined woman! I reasoned that the dough needed help holding its shape. Maybe I could make them in little muffin pans, like I used to make with sugar cookies and hersey kisses. Maybe that would work.......

One last attempt to keep my beloved recipe

As you can see below, it did not work. Plus the xanthum gum taste was so strong that it overwhelmed me and gave me a headache. I can almost taste that flavor right now as I am typing. Terrible!!!!

Yeah, that didn't work out well for us

I stared in disbelief at my cookie creation failure. It was a terrible mess. And I had a headache and xanthum gum aftertaste in my mouth. It was then that I knew in my heart that to be GFCF meant to say goodbye to some of our oldies but goodies. It meant that we would have to find new favorites and try new things. It meant that we would have to get out of our comfort zones and food culture and step into a whole new world.

And I felt as if the weight of that GFCF world was on my shoulders.

By this time I am laughing at the failed attempt, but also trying to figure out what went wrong so that I could improve it.

"I Must Have Apple Pie!"

During the summer months, Clay could not stress to me enough that it was not a true summer unless he ate some apple pie. He could not get his mind off of it. I have a dearly loved recipe that I have turned to for years. Here is our first attempt at GFCF baking.....

We used Gluten Free Pantry's pie crust mix. I was so nervous that my GFCF version of Grandma Ople's Apple Pie would not be the same as the beloved original. And I was a novice at GFCF baking, so I was doubly overwhelmed.

Here are some pictures of how the pie turned out.

GFCF version of Grandma Ople's Apple Pie

                                      

I was not that taken with Gluten Free Pantry's pie crust mix. For one, it is very flaky. For another, it is heavy on the brown rice (I think) and xanthum gum. There is a slight aftertaste. I am not big on flaky crusts, which is just a personal preference, I know.

There is a a pie crust recipe in Silvana Nardone's book Cooking For Isaiah. I think I'll try it next.

Here is a link to the best apple pie recipe on this planet. It can be converted to GFCF by using Earth Balance dairy free butter substitute and GF All Purpose Flour mix.

Enjoy with some Vanilla Coconut Ice Cream!

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/apple-pie-by-grandma-ople/detail.aspx

Catching Up After Being GFCF For 6 Months

Well, you may think that since I haven't blogged in so long that not much is going on. Actually, it's the opposite. I have thoroughly been enjoying and embracing our new lifestyle, with one exception, I miss cheese dip. Don't tell Clay or Kylie, but every once in a while I will sneak to Jose's and have gluten free enchiladas with white queso, just because I deserve it!

I wanted to share some pictures with you of all the food ups and downs that we have experienced since May. There are some serious follies, but mostly good experiences! However, feel free to enjoy a good laugh at my expense! I don't mind.

I am going to add the best recipes in the Yummy Recipes page soon. We have had lots of successes, and a few failures, and have even branched out and created our own concoctions! The kids are pretty proud of their new way of eating. They love to share their food with their friends, and then hear their friends brag about how great it tastes!

So get ready, my foodie friends, because as soon as I get Kylie to sleep tonight, I am going to blog about some great experiences that I will never forget! Laugh at my mistakes, learn from my failures, and take whatever helpful information I can give you. Don't be afraid of being GFCF- after six months I have decided that it is not all that bad!

Let The Journey Begin....

And so it goes...

On May 5th, Cinco de Mayo, of 2011, I decided to start blogging.

The concept of blogging is very new to me. Three years ago, a dear friend asked me why I did not blog. I told her that I just didn't think I had anything important to say, and that it wasn't my personality to blog about daily events. If I was going to blog, it was going to be for a purpose! It would have to be about something going on, or some spiritual concept I was studying, or a spiritual battle I was struggling with that could help others who faced similar struggles. Blogging with intent. But I have never felt the Lord calling me to share anything with total strangers on the web.

Until now.

Last Monday, April 25th, 2011, our oldest child, our precious son, Clay, was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. This diagnosis was not a surprise to myself or my wonderful husband, Keith. We have known for years that Clay has autism, we just had a difficult time scheduling the evaluation to prove it. But, now, here we are, 10 years and 10 months into his life on this earth, and we finally have a team of specialists surrounding us, helping us, and guiding us through this process. Someday I will have to blog about how providential our God is, and share Clay's story more, so that you can see God working in his young life, and maybe it will give you hope, too.

I was not moved to blog until May 5th. On May 2nd, we met with the genetics team at Arkansas Children's Hospital, and, after 5 and 1/2 hours of evaluations and waiting, we left the office on a gluten and casein free diet. I am a certified pediatric nurse practitioner, and I know of the "Autism Diet" and all of the controversy that surrounds biomedical approaches to autism treatment. I have read papers and studies from both sides, and I get it. But, here I am, with my family of 5, on a GFCF diet, beginning a long journey to see if, for our genetically specific problems, this diet actually does have some improvements for all of us, not just Clay.

I am not advocating the GFCF diet for anyone. I just want to make that clear. I am not saying that it will help with any autism problems or other medical ailments that you may have. But, for our family, this approach was recommended and will be followed up with labs and developmental evaluations, because it could be that for Clay, and maybe our youngest daughter, Kylie, that the GFCF diet works for them. Also, our middle daughter, McKenzie, has gluten intolerance manifested by GI issues, which was an interesting piece of the puzzle for the genetics team.

But why blog about it?

The rates of autism are increasing, and along with them, so is the anxiety and fear level of parents. If our journey will help anyone see the hope in raising a child with autism, or any other special need, and see how God has a plan for them as well as for you, then it is worth it to blog about it. I want our story to point to Christ, and to honor Him for what He has done and what He is doing in our lives. He is the main character of our story. I stand comforted to know that He was with them as they were fearfully and wonderfully made within me, and that their developmental concerns were not an accident or surprise for Him. I know He has plans for them, and I claim Jeremiah 29:11-14 for all children, regardless of their social, mental, emotional or physical development.

I am also blogging about it because I think it will help me with my sanity. Even if no one reads my blog, at least I am getting all of my thoughts out of my head and onto some sort of documentation, so that I can look back and remember what was occurring on what date, and what type of therapy we were involved in, etc. Hey, I'm human! I need an outlet. And blogging is going to be my outlet to help me through this, quite frankly, difficult part of our journey.

All of this typed on a pretty black and white floral design with a green title. Hey, I am a green girl at heart!

I look forward to learning from you, too, as many of you have already been where I am and have made discoveries of your own. I would love to know what you have learned, and share it with others. We are all in this journey together. God did not intend for His people to be alone. We need each other!

So, as I end my first post, I am really excited and nervous as to see what God does through this little blog. I pray that He will use it to help me know Him more fully!

Grace and peace to you all!

Michele